I spent much of my adult life puzzled by the fact that two fundamentally different creatures, men and women, could find a way to live in love and happiness. I mean we couldn’t be more different. That is not my opinion, it’s simply fact. That’s why there are books written about us being from different planets. I think we could go further than that and say we are from different universes. Now, that is not to say this is true for every man and woman out there. There are of course those rare and beautiful couples that are best friends, lovers, and at the center of their beings, soul mates. But, those are by far the exception to the rule. I believe the saying is true, at least some of the time, that opposites attract. And I believe that may be the reason so many couples are able to make their marriages work. That, and love, and A LOT of patience! Still, I wondered from a very young adult age how two such different beings could exist together in harmony. It didn’t feel natural to me. In my mind, it was like trying to put a hammer and a vase inside a bag that gets shook to all hell and hoping you could pull out that hammer and vase at any given time and there wouldn’t be too much damage. Craziness!
Me, I’m a lover. A passionate, expressive, sensitive, emotional, intelligent, deeply connected being. A fragile vase, if you will. Well, I’m not sure I would say that now. After the last four years of my life being in a bag with a sledgehammer and having been shattered and then glued. And, shattered. And glued again. And then shattered again. And glued again. I could keep repeating the process (8 times to be precise). After all of that shattering and gluing, I would say that I am not so fragile. I have enough glue holding me together, and so many shattered pieces bonded, that I am one hell of a sturdy vase. Still, a lover. Passionate, expressive, sensitive, emotional, intelligent, deeply connected, but left with some jagged edges that still need a lot of smoothing.
The process of smoothing those jagged edges is not an easy one. You tend to get cut, and bleed, and sometimes the pain is so deep that you have to stop and leave the edges how they are. But then they wear at you so you start in again trying to smooth them. A painstaking, trying process, that has to be repeated again and again. Running from the pain doesn’t work. Hiding from it is good for small periods of time but you are lulled into a false sense of security thinking you’ve got it made until you get stabbed by one of the edges and you’re shocked back into reality. Left with the devastating truth that you have no choice but to do the inevitable and keep smoothing. As intense and painful as this process is, when done the right way, it opens you up to what is underneath all of those edges, and those shattered fragments that were glued, and even that thick center that has been bonded together over time. You get to stare at the center of it all. Where the light and the love live protected and pure. You get to feel the warmth and peace. The compassion. You get to feel love that is selfless and given freely. You see the truth and know with complete certainty that there is only acceptance in that truth.
I have smoothed enough of the edges to stare at the center of my being. To see my truth. To feel selfless love given to me from God. To find my peace. My acceptance. To be the person I always was. Which has brought me full circle…
I have known since I was 13 that I was gay. I came out to my mother at that age who emphatically told me that I was wrong. I was not gay. And reminded me that if I was in fact gay, God would never be okay with me. So, I decided that was it. I was wrong. I wasn’t gay. When I got older, I dated women on and off and continued to over several years, but ultimately kept hearing in my head how wrong I was. And God not loving me was not something I could bear. So I gave up “the notion of being gay” and moved on with my life. But time and life have worn away at me. After 35 years of trying to live the way my mother told me that I needed to, and 4 recent years of being crushed by a sledgehammer of a man that I gave everything to, only to be shattered over and over again, I am done. I am standing in the center of my circle with myself and the love of God and I am accepting ME. God loves me as I am and so do I.
My journey has been long and difficult, but I have survived. I have two beautiful girls that I wouldn’t trade for ANYTHING and for that I am eternally grateful to God. I have put my faith in God since I was a little girl and I will continue to do so. I am ready to see what the next chapter of my life holds in store. May it be filled with laughter, happiness, and LOVE! I deserve it.